My default coping strategy for many a thing is to go the library.
There are very few problems that can’t be solved by the application of sufficient research, or soothed by the distraction of a good book.
Unfortunately, when it came to coping with my divorce, most of the books I found were irrelevant to me. Divorce books as a genre seem to focus heavily on the logistics of a mid-life separation with kids. There’s a wealth of information about finding (and affording) a lawyer, dividing assets, negotiating a settlement, and coparenting with your ex.¹ I’m sure this information is valuable to many people, but it wasn’t what I needed.
I was (am?) a young, childless woman. The separation was logistically pretty simple.² But emotionally, it was devastating. My whole world fell apart. Not just my life as it was, but my vision for the future. I was desperate for advice on how to cope, and how to rebuild from the broken pieces.
If you happen to be looking for something similar³, these are some of the books I found most helpful:
Non-Fiction 🔗
-
You Could Make This Place Beautiful — Maggie Smith³
A beautiful, lyrical, memoir about divorce. I devoured this in one sitting. Decidedly not a self-help or how-to guide. Maggie Smith has the poet’s talent for putting words to emotions and experiences I shared but couldn’t express. She has children, and the impact of the divorce on them certainly comes up. But the book very much centres on *her* experience, such that it remained relatable to me as a childless woman. -
Getting Past Your Breakup — Susan Elliot
This was one of the more self-helpy books I read. I can’t say it delivered on the wildly ambitious subtitle ("How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You"), but I found it helpful nonetheless. Perhaps it would be better titled “How to Turn a Devastating Loss into Something You Can Live With”? -
How to Mend A Broken Heart — Ziella Bryars
I still have vivid memories of listening to this audiobook, while lying on the floor of a freezing-cold boarding house in Dunedin. Ziella delves into the psychology of heartbreak, why it hurts so much, and what you can do to hasten the healing process. Highly recommended. -
Awake — Jen Hatmaker
This was a recent read. It’s been almost two years since my divorce was finalised, but I’m still working through it in some ways. Jen’s book was incredibly relatable and reassuring, despite her life looking very different to mine.
Fiction 🔗
-
A Series of Unfortunate Events — Lemony Snicket
A comfort read from my childhood. The series isn’t about divorce, but it mirrored my emotional experience in its own way. Terrible things happen for no apparent reason. Life is painful and confusing. Things don’t always work out in the end. And yet… and yet. -
Anna Karenina — Leo Tolstoy
This was something of an accidental read. I was partway through the audiobook when the last straw came. I’m not sure I’d actually *recommend* reading a novel about infidelity, divorce and suicide while going through a separation. And yet, what better time to engage with the messiness of human experience? -
Jane Eyre — Charlotte Bronte
Another accidental read. I’d finished the book shortly before the separation, and was working my way through the On Eyre podcast. Again, the book isn’t really about divorce. It’s a Gothic romance, and the two lovers are reunited in the end. But it is about pain, and separation, and self denial. And it gave me two of my favourite literary passages, quotes that I memorised and clung to throughout the process:-
“I can live alone, if self respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure, born with me, which can keep me alive if all external delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.”
-
“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will, which I now exert to leave you.”
-
¹ If you’re a Kiwi looking for advice along these lines, I recommend Uncoupling by Barbara Relph. It was the best/only book I found which covered the legal situation in NZ.
² I walked away with my personal possessions, and he kept everything else. I don’t necessarily recommend this on a financial level, but it preserved my sanity, and that was what mattered most at the time.
³ And I hope, for your sake, that you aren’t. Divorce sucks
No, not that Maggie Smith. The poet